actually quite normal

30 May

This week I was able to meet up with an acquaintance and actually have a normal conversation about life over a cool glass of rosé. A thing that is so normal for everyday girls and something that was so completely unique in this stage of my life.

These kind of normal but fun things doing with girlfriends or acquaintances were quite normal for me some time ago. Meeting up with girls over coffee, tea or something more substancial and chatting over boys, work, uni etc are key for the glue of friendship. Talking about crushes were good when in my teens as well, analysing the boy’s behaviour and…the perennial question: “is he really into me, or not?”

With google these days you can possibly read if  ‘the boy’ would be a possible match, but never underestimate the power of attraction, which can totally erase the googlefied efforts of compatibility. Or…if he is ‘not into you’ that can go beyond compatibility.

I wonder what I would do if I were dating in these days…google him first or after a while? I think I would leave the mystery part do its job first, and google later. On the other hand, if I would have zillions of chatty girlfriends I am quite sure I would love to chat about him and the things he as done according to google. So, it depends if I would keep it for myself for a while, talkwise, or that he would be the talk between me and my girls…

Perhaps, talking about the crush in your life with the girls…is something that glues the girlfriend bond. Perhaps it is a good thing to talk about the success in love ánd failures, discussing the times that ‘you were into him and he not into you’ or visa versa, and perhaps your friends can learn from your experiences…and the successes when ‘both you and him were into each other’.

Because girls, after al is the reading of the signs a damn hard thing to do, especially when the ‘boy’ is trained giving out ‘yes I want’ signs, but is just fishing the pond and will throw you back when you are not a fish suitable enough (and he has already been oogling a better fish, only you were the one biting the bait).

Perhaps he was fishing for you, but you were scared away by the other fishies hungry for the bait, and he will take one of the other fishies instead.

Thus, beyond all these fishing metaphors (and all these mad animal-human relations which sounds actually quite unequal as a relation between man and woman…come on, we are both humans on an equal level and neither one of us is some kind of animal) it stays complicated and not the easiest thing on earth…

So, the chat with the girls are always welcome, either if your ‘crush’ would work out, or not…

Locked in my own skin…

8 May

I have a skin condition…the word condition actually sounds like it is something positive, however, it is a skin ‘disorder’ or ‘disease’ to me. No euphenisms such as ‘condition’, or it might be a ‘condition’, only one that last and last and last (negatively).

Today I heard that my health insurance company does not pay for the at-home treatment recommended for me. My skin would have been ‘microwaved’ for a couple of seconds (a sort of tanning machine…so terrible against ageing but quite good against psoriasis) and my skin would become tolerable (or it would even cure). But alas, not such a at-home-treatment for me.

So, my skin locks me up…to be social…to be in more-than-social-relations as well. It locks me up against wearing sweet and flirty summer dresses when warm, showing some shoulder or a bit of (small) cleavage. I am already prone to being alone, but my skin makes me stand out even more alone.

So, thanks but no thanks to my health insurance company that receives a large sum of my finances every month…I feel crap, but wait, I already felt crap and maybe I feel crab as well because of my hardened skin…

somewhat a community

6 May

If I had friends who would join me going to the fantastic events available in the world, I would be the first to invite them and the party would rock. Nevertheless, I hardly have friends who can join me. Thus, I have to make the best of it in my alone-ness.

Nevertheless, I honestly had a fantastic time and a sense of community/togetherness during a concert. Sometimes, it is not too bad being alone…you can walk from one place to another without negotiating with your friends. Some people even semi-chat you up (even though I am not single and absolutely not in an open relationship), which is absolutely fun…a bit of banter.

Therefore, the enjoyment of being free (sometimes alone, sometimes together) is to be cherished.

the everybody’s and the non-everybody’s

30 Apr

Today my emptiness spiralled to an intense hight. Our country had one of the most celebrated public holidays, and the images of happiness, togetherness and cheerfulness that I had to see on the television screen (not even in real life) extended the void of lonely emptiness inside.

My partner, who is unable to hear my adventures and miseries, voiced his opinion about the world. Me, responding in order to voice my ideas, was not able to reach his attention.

I am surrounded by goods, no people are my friends…

My imaginations were, indeed as I knew myself, never to be real. My falling-in-love was a temporarily numbifying tool against the pain of loneliness, only afterwards to feel lonelier than ever.

I am lonely, and lonely is my friend…

Queen Bee

29 Apr

Ode to the Queen Bee:

I admire her…the social queen with all her girlfriends. A un-cheerleaderlike queen bee always branching out her group of girls. Girls who will accept a lot, tweak their appearance to please her. I am the lonely critter, unlike the queen bee and the other bee girls, and will not hinder her.

She is not the typical queen bee, still, she is a queen bee in her form. I will not even come close to the popularity of her. Indeed, her coolness is something that is hers.

Queen bee, I wish you luck…I am not a bee and I cannot serve you. I am the butterfly, who passed you and twirled around you for a while. My wings will never be like your subjects, queen bee.

 Thus I will fly away and thank you for your tolerance of my otherness…

Queen bee, be(e) good to your subjects…

dictator, female?

10 Apr

East Timor’s First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women

After watching this video, I have a few sidenotes.

First, it is hilarious that it enforces an American ideal of femininity….For example “she burned down the whole area with a torch and still looked good in it” is enforcing women to be able to do whatever they want, as long as they ‘look good in it’ they can be seen sympathetic and female. The torture of the man is a pleasure when it is done by a ‘real woman’ like the dictator.

The fact that there is a ‘female’ dictator is something that is a remarkable difference, according to the video, as women are normally not related to violence, let alone be so succesful in violence that they become the leader of a whole country. And, seeing the title of the video, it is seen as a ‘step forward to women’, claiming the display of violence is actually a positive trait to have?

Oh, and femininity is always related to motherhood, how cruel the person is. As long as she is toting along some children (of her own) and combines her career with motherhood, she is the ultimate (Western) woman.

Oh, and the event takes place in a ‘far-and-away’ country, enhancing exoticism of the nature of dictatorship.

Korean depiction of the tomboy

8 Apr

I found this video as it was a project of  a Korean blogger named Clara.

I was spellbounded by the depiction of the Korean tomboy and the efforts made of making her ‘prettier’ and ‘girlier’. She already claims that she is pretty (around 4 minutes) but her friend claims that product X will make her more pretty, which a thing that she should do for ‘love’.

 The words ‘change for love’ are mentioned by her friend, which is a theme often used in the rhetoric of romantic fairytales, films, etc. And change is, ofcourse, physical change…’becoming pretty’.

In a way, it makes me sad to see that kind of consumerism (something I myself are quite vunerable of) being shut down to the throat. However, on the plus side, she will end up with the boy who already thought she was cute as the way she was before, an active and cute tomboy.

Although I am aware of the overromantic Cinderella-esque plot which asserts that a woman can only be rewarded with ‘love’ and being found ‘pretty’ by a man, I do like the fact that her tomboy self is being appreciated, and the ‘girly’ persona she tries to be is not rewarded with a ‘knight in shining armour’.

And, I really like the video of the blogger…quite quirky, although sometimes a bit confusing.